Dark clouds in my soul

 

 Storm over the farm

The dark cloud has hung over me from the day I recognized a deep black grit had filled me when it descended. I tried to reason it out, I was only eight years old.   

The black cloud hung over me forever it seemed, but it came and went as it pleased.

The blackness came to visit me often.  My heart was so heavy, my head was almost numb with the blackness. That was when I went to the window in my upstairs bedroom, sat on the ledge, swung my legs out, and then contemplated this action.

Then I looked down the road and saw Dad’s old truck rumbling up the gravel road from town. I swung my legs back in, collapsed on the bed, and wept.

Once I understood what the darkness did, and while I could not fight it, I could withstand it.  This was my life, deal with it.

I grew up with the dark cloud off in the distance, always there always threatening.  I went from 8 years old to 30 in a flash.

With three children watching TV with their father, I went into the half bathroom where there were no windows, closed the door and sat in the dark. There were rumblings of thoughts about the windowsill, and I wondered if it was that time again.  I stared into the corner of the room, where no light showed.  As I stared, a figure emerged slowly, growing with its own throbbing light surrounding

The figure grew and grew until it was the size of a doll. Frozen in fear and recognition, I knew this was Satan.  As sure as I write this, I was sure it was the evil the Bible spoke about. 

I heard my children playing, and that was when God gave the Lord’s Prayer to my brain and my mouth.

The moment, the very moment the words came from my mouth, Satan disappeared, in a flash.  The room was grey now, and I turn on the light.  Opening the door, there was a peace that surround me.

Has the darkness disappeared? No, but I see it in the distance and sought God immediately. God fills me daily while Satan hovers outside the door, watching for a break in my heart and mind.

I have never ever told anyone about this.  Depression is something that is not just a sadness. It is a destructive attack on one who is susceptible. But lately, there has beena door knocker waiting. Lately, that has been my struggle. 

Why? Age, health, pain, surgeries are big issues in my life.  I cannot quilt anymore, and playing the piano is almost impossible. At least, my words still come easily.

Pray for me and all who wrestle with this torture that appears without being called.

I went to see Dr. Shester, a psychiatrist,worked with me to see a light more than dark. I have been taking meds for the past 25 years and that has given me peace. Also a talented psychologist helped me work through the weight that depression has. 

Losing the battle

YouTube, 2017, 3 minutes

Too many returning military soldiers find that the world is not the one they left. After fighting and risking their lives, too many come home and some "lose the fight with demons".  

"In 2018, Veterans accounted for a lower proportion of suicide deaths among U.S. adults than in prior years. Veterans accounted for 13.8% of all deaths by suicide in 2018, compared to 19.2% in 2005 and 14.1% in 2017....Male veterans are 18 times more likely to kill themselves than their civilian counterparts, and female veterans are, sadly, 250 times more likely to commit suicide than their civilian counterparts. Another grave statistic is that it is estimated that an average of 20 veterans per day commit suicide — which translates to one veteran every 65 minutes...

Young enlisted troops are the primary concern. They account for 43% of the military population but 61% of deaths by suicide. Personally owned firearms, not military weapons, were the primary cause of death.

"None of us has solved this issue," said Karin Orvis, director of the Defense Suicide Prevention Office. "There is no quick fix." Military suicides

Fellow troops reach out to their comrades, especially comment section after videos like this were released:

I'm so sorry, Brother. I also served in Iraq, Fallujah as an Infantry Marine and I felt through every fiber of my body the words you wrote. Everyday is a struggle. Rest Easy Brother. I love You.

Amen. Thank you for posting. And he has 100% correct. My condolences to his friends and family. I'm sorry for your loss. And they give you the most deadliest mix of prescription meds. Chantix, antidepressants, a statin or opioids.

My father has struggled with this since the Vietnam War. He has good days & bad days, but can never sleep no matter what they try to give him. As soon as he closes his eyes, the nightmares begin & he is jumping up out of bed to make it stop. He naps an hour here or there & that is it all day every day it's a struggle for him to close his eyes & attempt sleep. This has been going on for decades & no one wants to open their eyes to see what the govt. has done. He had no choice either (drafted).

REPLY

PTSD awareness month — an average of 20 veterans per day commit s…

thehill.com/opinion/healthcare/392871-ptsd-awareness-m…


My WW2 veteran father suffered with PTSD for nearly 70 years. His struggles affected our entire family. But, that was a time of "suck it up, keep going" where people never talked about the sources or struggles.


One source of providing support is Supporting mental health , and I've purchased tee shirts, a car sticker, and other items. They honor those who are suffering. Check them out. They have goals, one of which is to rescue and recognize the humanity of tortured veterans.

Daniel Somers, about 2 min.

Everyone has to know someone who has wrestled with PTSD. Reach out to them and/or organizations that provide help for these Veterans.

My address site for information was seriously messed up. So Sorry.  Please come back!

May is Mental health month; "The Silly Bus"

Source

Lift your chin. Square your shoulders.  Pull it together.  Nothing is wrong with you.  Work harder. Get over it. Go to church. Or, at least, keep it to yourself.

A community like mine was where there were no secrets and lots of gossip.  Whatever one said or did was under scrutiny, where it merited truth or concern or not.  It was the Midwest, after all, where values and commitment mattered more than any personal failure or need. 

What about those who could not lift a chin? Square shoulders? Pull it together?

I will tell you, since I know. 

Those people were given a fair amount of criticism and reprimands. Everyone has problems, everyone has suffered losses, but they deal with it in the Midwest way. The stigma of a mental illness reflects on the family, after all.  

I remember the very day when I was visiting home, we all were sharing a breakfast and a scheduled bus went up the road to the county seat.  Dad smirked, "There goes the silly bus."

Silly bus? These were people who had developmental problems which required extra services.  These were people who suffered mental problems and couldn't deal with life in general.

When questioned, Dad said, "In my day, they didn't need all that. They were taken care of at home. Those others, well, they should just get out there and work. Just work it out. Don't need help."

Didn't he know? Didn't he see me?  Didn't he see himself?

I have struggled through chronic depression all my life.  My "sadness" was deep. It has taken years of therapy, assisted by anti-depressants, to reach a steadiness. God gave me what I needed and put me in a place where I could reach it.

Dad? His father died when Dad was 9 years old and suicide was always on his horizon.  World War 11 pushed that into PTSD and opened a floodgate of his own depression. When he went into a spiral, we all felt its effects, God help us.

One day, many years after sitting at breakfast, my sister was home. Dad mentioned the silly bus, and my sister replied, "Dad, my son (with autism) would be on that bus." He never said that again.

But then again, autism and many others in the realm of developmental issues was not dealt with in Dad's era. My parents asked me (a teacher) if this couldn't just be whipped/beat/spanked out of him. I spent the next hours explaining exactly what children and adults experience with autism and what is known or theorized about it.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  May 11-17 has been selected as Mental Health Awareness week. Never before has mental health been recognized as so important, impacting society in ways never imagined. 

October is Depression Awareness Month. The first full week of October is Depression Awareness week. Never before has Depression been recognized and diagnosed as a silent struggle so many experience and suffer. 

April 2nd is World Autism Awareness Day. 


Lift your chin. Square your shoulders.  Pull it all together.  Nothing is wrong with you.  Work harder. Get over it. Go to church. Or, at least, keep it to yourself.

This post is dedicated to those who relate or can relate to what is written here.

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