The dark cloud has hung over me from the day I recognized a deep black grit had filled me when it descended. I tried to reason it out, I was only eight years old.
The black cloud hung over me forever it seemed, but it came and went as it pleased.
The blackness came to visit me often. My heart was so heavy, my head was almost numb with the blackness. That was when I went to the window in my upstairs bedroom, sat on the ledge, swung my legs out, and then contemplated this action.
Then I looked down the road and saw Dad’s old truck rumbling up the gravel road from town. I swung my legs back in, collapsed on the bed, and wept.
Once I understood what the darkness did, and while I could not fight it, I could withstand it. This was my life, deal with it.
I grew up with the dark cloud off in the distance, always there always threatening. I went from 8 years old to 30 in a flash.
With three children watching TV with their father, I went into the half bathroom where there were no windows, closed the door and sat in the dark. There were rumblings of thoughts about the windowsill, and I wondered if it was that time again. I stared into the corner of the room, where no light showed. As I stared, a figure emerged slowly, growing with its own throbbing light surrounding
The figure grew and grew until it was the size of a doll. Frozen in fear and recognition, I knew this was Satan. As sure as I write this, I was sure it was the evil the Bible spoke about.
I heard my children playing, and that was when God gave the Lord’s Prayer to my brain and my mouth.
The moment, the very moment the words came from my mouth, Satan disappeared, in a flash. The room was grey now, and I turn on the light. Opening the door, there was a peace that surround me.
Has the darkness disappeared? No, but I see it in the distance and sought God immediately. God fills me daily while Satan hovers outside the door, watching for a break in my heart and mind.
I have never ever told anyone about this. Depression is something that is not just a sadness. It is a destructive attack on one who is susceptible. But lately, there has beena door knocker waiting. Lately, that has been my struggle.
Why? Age, health, pain, surgeries are big issues in my life. I cannot quilt anymore, and playing the piano is almost impossible. At least, my words still come easily.
Pray for me and all who wrestle with this torture that appears without being called.
I went to see Dr. Shester, a psychiatrist,worked with me to see a light more than dark. I have been taking meds for the past 25 years and that has given me peace. Also a talented psychologist helped me work through the weight that depression has.
Thank you for eloquently sharing this - so many struggle with chronic depression. I applaud your transparency. I hope others are moved by your story.
ReplyDelete🙏🏻
I do hope that it talks to someone who needs help.
DeleteYou were able to describe depression so well. I have not suffered from depression thank goodness. Several people close to me have. I offer an inner flashlight of love and humor. Turn it on as needed.
ReplyDeleteflashlights are great inventions. Humor is a great deterrent.
DeleteYour honesty about this with all of us moved me to tears. Depression is truly a disease, and not one's imagination. Evil is all too real in this world, and calling upon God when that clouds come can dispel it in the moment. I'm so glad you sought professional help as Danny has for his PTSD. God bless you, Susan!
ReplyDeleteEvil and depression walk hand in hand. Satan wants the faithful to stumble and fall.
DeleteI am proud of you too. You are very honest, and most people are not. I am glad you are seeing someone and getting help and on meds.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I had not seen any posts about this curse. So I am glad that this speaks to so many.
DeleteDepression is something I know nothing about, though it sounds bad enough that I wish no one would have it ever agin.
ReplyDeleteDepression is a serious disease for anyone in a traumatic situation. It doesn't go away. Be proactive.
Deletethe Lord's Prayer does wonders. I have never been depressed until the last couple years. My Sweetheart suffered it in the time she carried our first son. It was tough because she kept it to herself. I am doing the same my time around.
ReplyDeleteBut on a lighter side, I do feel like an eedgit (?) at times for sure.....
Love from NC
Hope NC is dryer than the other southern states.
ReplyDeleteWe had such a stigma (still do) about mental issues. Yes, it is a disease and we who have felt its power and its suffering many times do not go public with our struggles. You are far from alone. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words.
DeleteNo, depression was something that was never talked about when I was in the rural area.
DeletePraying for you. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Victor. I am enjoying Shot in the Park.
DeleteI'm glad you have support/help, and the blood of Jesus. I saw little white doll-sized ghosts run across the hallway of my house just before my divorce. I told no one. My youngest child came to me one day and told me he saw them running across the hall in the same place. I felt like those were good ones though. Earlier in life, I'd seen a very tall, black silhouette, like the cut out of a man but it was alive, in the hallway outside of my children's bedroom. I knew that one was bad. I shut the door, as if shutting the door might keep it out, and prayed. A couple of years later, my sister-in-law, who owned the place we had been renting at the time, mentioned seeing it too...in the same place. I told her I'd seen and felt it, and we each described it exactly the same. Spirits are real, no doubt about it to me. Keeping those prayers handy and close by is so very important. Thank God we have Jesus (literally and figuratively speaking). Sending prayers up. Old age sux (believe me, I know), no doubt about it, but it's a gift too. The Bible says so, not me. :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteMy goodness. We lived in a house with spirits. i didn't know then what I know now.
DeleteI am so happy for you that you were able to write this and write it well and had the courage to tell it to all of us. It did help me and will help me, the part of about You.Are.Not.Alone. is my mantra, I have a book that helps me every day, 365 promises and prayers, I have been reading it for 2 years, it is marked, written on, highlighted and ragged.
ReplyDeletethe entire book is about depression and mental issues... I struggled my whole life with depression and had no idea I had it.
My oldest son, has had it since he was a child and 3 times did attempt to take his life. But not in the past 25 years. I know he still thinks about it. He is 61. thank you Susan for sharing this