One statement was made to me 1997, when my brother Robert died. "Oh, it will hurt less and less as time goes by." It was said with love and with the intention to comfort me.
I knew that they meant to reassure me, but I always wondered if they knew what he had been through. Robert had continued to drink coffee and smile at the local cafe. He shared jokes with friends. So, they could not see what had been his last months.
Robert had an anaplastic astrocytoma brain tumor, an aggressive incurable tumor. He was diagnosed September, 1995, and died May 1997. People knew this was a 'time was short'. His community knew him well, some prayed for him.
In 1996, one of the times I was visiting, I walked to his house and found daughter Amy washing dishes. She was angry. "Dad's listening to this CD, searching for a song to be played at his funeral."
Robert gave me his characteristic crooked smile, but didn't say anything. This was the song.
Man after Your Own Heart, sung by Gary Chapman
We listened in silence while Amy and I cried silently. Then we listened to one other song. Neither was played, but that's the way it was.
Sometimes He Comes in the Clouds, sung by Steven Curtis Chapman
In truth, I do not think of Robert every single day, but I do think of our family when we were all together with Robert.
Hurt less? Grief never stops or goes away, but hurt less? I don't know yet.
Susan:
ReplyDeleteThis is not only a beautiful tribute to your brother, but a way of showing us that our grief is something we learn to live WITH, rather than allow to diminish.
We ALL have this in our lives, and as we get older, there's more of it, due to our increasing losses.
I know that broken hearts can be mended, but the cracks will always be there.
I look at grief as a reminder of how deeply we can love.
It's just an old-fashioned notion, I guess.
This is beautiful: broken hearts can be mended, but the cracks will always be there..
DeleteIt says it all.
So sorry to hear about your brother. This is a wonderful and of course sad post. Personally, I think that some kinds of pain do not really go away.
ReplyDeleteThe loss always lingers.
DeleteSometimes, for no reason I can discern, memories of Robert just pop up in my brain. It is a moment that still hits me.
Thanks for your post.
It also depends on how they go. If there were mistakes made, it gets more bitter. I'm not really mourning over my grandfather who died a few years ago. He was in his 80's, he had a full life, it was his time.
ReplyDeleteMy dog a few years ago, it still stings a little. I was thinking about it the other day. She died the year I got my house, and I originally wanted her to stay at my mom's because she was elderly and moving to a new house probably would be unwise for her. Sure enough, that was true.
My mom flat out refused, but on the day of her death said she wished she had done so.
Sorry about your losses. Anyone or any pet who passes are still part of our grieving. My son had a special cat for 14 years. He was sick for a while and Scuba was his source of comfort.
DeleteLovely words. Honestly, I don't know if it ever stops hurting.
ReplyDeleteMy brother and I were 10.5 months apart. He was born in January and I was born in December, 1951. Most of the time, we were each other's friends. It HS, he said I was a cousin.
DeleteMy experience has been that people have no idea of what to say when someone is mourning. They tend to fall back on all those supposedly consoling expressions they have heard all their lives. There should be a book or public service program to help them. Perhaps a more comforting sentiment might be, "I am truly sorry for your loss. If you would ever like to talk or need a shoulder to cry on, I am here for you." The feeling of loss never goes away. I know this myself. While the sad feelings are ever-present it is also important to remember the good things about the person and the fun and funny things you shared. We try to maintain a balance.
ReplyDeleteI know how stuck I am for words when that arises. I am sorry for your loss is about the best.
DeletePeople just don't know the right thing to say on such occasions.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that you learn to live with it, but it doesn't go away.
Some hurts run too deep.
Hurts like this burrow down and stay.
DeleteYou Girl are in trouble. I thought I would give the songs a quick listen, I knew I would not understand the words, but what could it hurt. You have me sitting here listening to music. I NEVER do that. BUT dang it, there were the words. So the same with both songs. Now I sit here crying, because I know exactly what you are saying. I am the last of the family. All the rest have passed Mom, dad, and all the brothers and sisters. I think of one of them every day, but it does get better. BUT yep there are the cracks.
ReplyDeleteI love you for this. I hven't had a good cry in a long time. Sherry is out on the porch. she will be by later.
Sherry & jack.
Those lyrics are so well worded that they say volumes.
DeleteIt doesn't go away. It becomes (mostly) easier to live with, but it doesn't go away. When people suggest that grief is something to 'get over' it worries me as I think that the getting over is/would be a diminishing of the love and the memories.
ReplyDeleteWell said.
DeleteI've lost my brother, twenty one years ago. My only sibling. During the first years after his death, I wrote things in three languages and I read the stuff to him when I visit the grave. Year after year, the same devastating stuff. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned - the same old feeling that part of my body and soul was ripped away from me.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I travel back 'home' to visit, I go to his grave and speak thoughts and feelings to him.
DeleteIt is always there, just not at the forefront as much many a day as we have to keep going.
ReplyDeleteAt the forefront is a perfect phrase.
DeleteI'm sorry about your brother. It's interesting the things people think about towards the end. I'm sad that the songs weren't played at his funeral. I suppose there was a good reason for that.
ReplyDeleteOH, it was my father who nixed them. Amazing Grace and a hymn. He was always one to take over.
DeletePowerful ... poignant. We all carry our grief in private niches. Most I've come to terms with (she/he was old, they lived a good life, etc.). What's unfortunate, I never had the courage to tell the love of my life I was sorry; that I still loved him. THAT one will haunt me all my days.
ReplyDeleteDUTA above wrote that she visits the grave and reads to her family member. I think that is always a good thing.
DeleteHaving lost child, i can tell you the grief does not lessen, it just becomes easier to live with.
ReplyDeletePlease accept my condolences for your loss.
I am so sorry for your own loss.
DeleteI agree. I don't think it goes away at all, but maybe you stop paying attention as much. At least I hope so...
ReplyDeleteI agree, not paying attention as much.
DeleteHe would be 68 now. As I age past that, I think more about him.
Beautiful.
ReplyDeletewww.rsrue.blogspot.com
Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteThe wonderful Willie Nelson has a song, It is Something You Get Through. (It is nothing you get over, it is something you get through). It is a beautiful song and one that I play (too) often lately.
ReplyDeleteWillie Nelson has a way of threading so much emotion through his songs. I will have to play that one.
DeleteI call grief the high price of love. It changes over time. When I was working as a grief counselor/facilitator for middle-school aged kids, we had a tradition when they decided they were ready to go on without coming to meetings. They were given a little pouch of stones smoothed to a high polish and one rough one. They're reminded that their fresh grief is like that rough stone with sharp edges and dull in color. But as time and grieving continues, things change, just as the water and polishing change the stones. The rough edges are ever so slowly smoothed. They know the rough stone is to remind them that their grief, their loss is always there, no matter what is done to ease it, but that yes, in time it becomes different.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to experience the loss of someone you loved so much and at a time -- well, long before one ever hopes or expects to say goodbye. I wish you much love and peace with your healing for however long it takes to become the smooth, polished stone.
Oh. That is such a powerful way to see the process. That helped many students.
DeleteThank you for your comfort.
I've been finding myself going to more funerals in recent years. It's a function of growing older and having relationships. I think it's the unexpected deaths that have the biggest impact. Like my best friend who died in 1995 in his early forties. For years I think I did probably think of him most every day--now I still think about him, but not like I used to.
ReplyDeletePeople come and go and I am destined to do the same. I sometimes wonder how I will be remembered. Hope that time is still many many years away.
Arlee Bird
Tossing It Out
I wonder too what and who will remember. I think that is why I write, to give a solid picture of who and what I was.
DeleteI wanted to cry over the scene in the kitchen! I know what song I want played at my funeral, but it likely won't get played, and if it did, it wouldn't mean the same to the listeners as it does to me anyway. I'm sorry to hear the news about your brother. I still miss my gram, and it's been years, though not like I used to. Mostly I remember her happily now (instead of being sad about her leaving).
ReplyDeleteI have lots of photos from our childhood and through our growing years. Looking through those reminds me of those years, hear the sounds.
DeleteThank you.
What a loving tribute to your brother. Grief is different for everyone. I still sometimes grieve over my grandparents who both died and left me without any living relatives when I was 19. I still see them in my dreams and know how much I still miss them. Things eventually DO get better. The sadness has turned to only happy memories now. Thanks for sharing this, Susan.
ReplyDeleteLike you, memories of my mother's mother always pop up and make me smile.
DeleteHi Susan - such a powerful post about loss ... and I love both songs - I'll be back to listen to them again. Wonderful comments you've had - all so appropriate in the circumstances. Grief is and always will be there ... as will memories of our loved ones and those experiences we shared together. Thank you so much for writing this - my thoughts to you and the family ... have a peaceful weekend - Hilary
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind comment. It is wise and true.
DeleteWe will always love those we lose, sometimes it hurts, other times we smile. I call mine sad smiles. There are good memories we are so happy to have, yet so sad our loved one is no longer here to remember with us. It's so clear here how much you love your brother - it's beautiful to read.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Inger. He would be 68 now.
DeleteIt never really gets easy, we just learn to deal with it better.
ReplyDeleteTrue. dealing with his death is better now. When Robert was first diagnosed, I had such anger toward God. Now I realize there was a plan in place that I could not have possibly understood.
DeleteAs time goes on, the pain is still there. I always remember the good times and they bring a smile to my face.
ReplyDeleteOh, the times we had together!
DeleteThere is no time limit on grief. The feelings of love, loss and hurt never go away.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is always part of my life and will always be.
Delete