Saturday, March 16, 2019

Hoist a Pint

A stained glass image of Saint Patrick at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Port Clinton, Ohio. (Credit: ‘Nheyob’, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons)
What St. Patrick can teach us.

Saint Patrick's Day: At (King) David’s Pub and Winery

(Scene opens in Heaven, at the Pub.  Seamus and Patrick are sitting at the bar.  Patrick is asleep, with his head on the bar counter.)

Seamus (St. James):  Say, Paddy, now.  Wake up, you idjit. (Slaps him on the back.)

Padraig (St. Patrick)/Paddy:  Ah, Seamus.  Can ye not leave a good saint ta a daecent sleep? (Wipes some drool from his cheek.)

Seamus:  It’s yer people there, Paddy.  They’re at it again.  (Leaning over his pint, looking down on the velvet green) Sláinte.

Paddy:  Oh, Mother of God, is it that day already? (Shaking his head.)

Maire (Mary):  Paddy, was it ye who called?  Oh.  (She looks down on Dublin.)  So.  Yer Irishmen are up and celebratin’ yer Holy Day.  (Seamus and Paddy stand up and pull out the chair by a gold-gilded table.) The day ye up and died down there. (Maire settles into the chair.) I'll be havin' ta usual, Dave.

David:  Here you go, Maire. (He places a Waterford Crystal Rosslare sherry glass filled with Harvey's Bristol Cream Sherry) 'Tis only ta best for ya, love. (She smiles and smooths her blue gown.)

Paddy:  (Looking down) So it ‘tis, Maire.  And would ye look—Chicago dumped green into ta rivers again!  As if that meant a ting, Lord help us.

The Lord God: (enters with angels singing and clouds billowing)  Was it ye, Paddy, that called m’name?  (Seamus and Paddy vacate their pub stools immediately.)    David, here, be a good man, and pour me a glass of cider.

King David:  Ta', My Lord.  The best Yer Hands ever made, here Ye go.  Have at it. (David pushes the glass over to God, who has settled down on a stool.)

The Lord God:  So, Paddy, what’s troublin’ ye, up here in heaven?

Paddy:  Oh, it’s the Irish people agin.  They’re after celebratin’ my holy day with all sorts of carryin’ ons.  And it bein’ Lent, ‘tis a sad ting ta behold.

The Lord God:  (quaffing a satisfying amount of apple cider) Well, ye know, Paddy,  People ha’ forgotten jest what I did for them, sendin’ ye to Ireland.  They were a terrible mean group, worshippin’ trees and such, ‘fore ye taught ‘em about the Trinity. Those seamro'g . Set them for ye.

Seamus:  Yer right, My Lord God.  An’ Paddy drove out dem dere serpents, and done all them miracles.  Ye did right good work, there.  (Seamus pats Paddy on the shoulder, who nods and perks up a bit.  Maire rises, holding her sherry, and stands next to The Lord God.)

The Lord God:    ‘Tis my desire that ye shake the Irish up a wee bit.  Paddy, ye go down to yer holy wells—there’s one down near Clonmel I’m partial to.  Stir the waters up a bit when ye see group there.  And, Maire, go ta some of yer holy grottoes, and send some tears down the cheeks of yer precious image.  That’ll make the Irish think a bit.  I bet ye’ll see more pious Irish at Mass come Good Friday.

Seamus:  I’ll go along with ‘em, My Lord, jest to keep ‘em company.  (The three saints exit.)

The Lord God:  (watches the saints depart, and laughs softly) Ah, there go some fine saints.  Glad I made ‘em.  (He leaves the pub in a cloud of glory, with angels singing.  David gathers up the glassware, and hums “When the saints go marching in…”  Scene ends.)

If I have offended any, please forgive me.  

This is a re-post of 2011.  

46 comments:

  1. Hilarious! I love it! But you forgot the epilogue, where St Brigid comes in, gets rip-roaringly drunk on Irish whisky, throws off her Christian clothes and resumes being Great Goddess Brigid the Bright again, kicks Patrick's ass on behalf of all pagans and the Old Ones, and then runs off with Mary to live happily ever after. That's the best part!

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  2. I LOVED that! T'was a great thing! Truly be grand to catch that bar up there...

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  3. I'm smiling. Thanks and so well written with the brogue although a little sacrilegious for many. Nothing wrong with a smile, it makes the face feel good!
    Love from North Carolina
    Sherry & jack

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    1. You're still in N. Carolina for a while. Glad you stopped by here.

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  4. Go raibh maith agat. That was a real cute story. Slainte to you too.

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  5. Ha ha, I'll be talking with an accent the rest of the weekend. Too bad I can't write with one.

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    1. We lived in Ireland for a few years and I miss the language.

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  6. Níl a fhios agam conas Gaeilge a labhairt.

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    1. Okay, you have stumped me all together! I'll head over to the Irish Language site.

      I knew some basic phrases and words, which I shared with my students (3 and 4) We had "Irish Week+" back then.

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    2. Okay, I don't know how to speak Irish, either. If I tried to in Ireland, people would be giggling.

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  7. Great story, you had me laughing. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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  8. Hope your day is full of blessings.
    Coffee is on

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  9. That was amusing, thanks for the smile!

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  10. God gave us the good, the bad and the ugly. He also gave us wine and spirits to ward off the last two. Many are also glad that he gave us St. Paddy, because, despite his intentions, it gives us a day of joy and frivolity. Some take it a little far, but a hangover the next day brings them to their senses - sometimes.




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  11. I like this so very much! Thank you :)

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  12. Hope you are having a great day!

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    1. We did and I hope you celebrated the wearing of the green.

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  13. Shaking things up doesn't hurt anyone, too much haha

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    1. We had such a great party ourselves. Loud and lots of eating!

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  14. Ah shure ye don't have to be Irish! Aren't they goin' mad below in Tampa today too, paintin' the river green and all kinds of foolishness and most of 'em couldn't find Ireland on the msap if their lives depended on it! I know you can so Happy St. Patrick's day to ye Missus...

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  15. Gave me a chuckle so it did. Happy St Paddy's Day to ya.

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  16. Susan:
    Well, I had my Irish cream in my coffee, a corned beef sandwich and a bottle of Guinness while wearing my green sweatshirt.
    (and I would be considered an orangeman to boot).
    Can't get MORE St Patty's Day-ish if I tried

    Have a good day "bein' green".
    (and that doesn't mean hanging solar panels everywhere).

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  17. Gotta be careful invoking God's name in heaven. He might just show up...

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  18. Happy st Patrick's day dear Susan!

    stay blessed !

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  19. Pretty funny. The thing that has always puzzled me is how St. Patrick's Day ever got to be such a world wide phenomenon. It seems to have no vestige of religious significance to it and is a reason to get drunk.

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    1. In Ireland, St. Patrick's Day was considered a holy day. Americans took over and ran with it. I think this happened in the 60s, but not sure.

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  20. Lovely! Big smiles, even if I'm a week late! And thanks so much for coming by!

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Go ahead...it won' t hurt...I'd love to hear what you think!